Time Doesn't Always Heal

As a survivor of repeated child sexual abuse
When I realised it was finally over
It was such a feeling of great relief
A sense that it's all behind you

However, it was a false sense of security
Sure, the feeling it was behind me
Lasted a good few years
But it was only temporary
It all came back to haunt me
And when it did
(on reaching an age of sexual activity)
The feelings of helplessness 
Came back too

It was in a very different way 
And from a different perspective 
But nevertheless
That feeling of powerlessness 
That sense of being unable to control the situation
Was there

Unlike the abuse experiences 
Where your primary concern is survival 
It's your ego that takes a bashing
I won't say confidence
I've always been secure about myself 
I had survived the abuse itself
So I was determined to beat this

It was challenging
As a child, during the abuse
It is all about secrecy
(just for the record, the type of abuse I suffered is probably not what you think)
It's unlikely your abuser will discuss the events with anyone
(unless their "buddy" is sickly inclined too) 
There's no time or room for ego
When you're in survival mode
Your abuser squashed any sense
That you had power over the situation
But sexual intimacy within a relationship is something else
So much is built up about performance
Especially when we are teenagers
There's such a lot at stake

To be perfectly honest
Beforehand, I had no real anxiety
As I've said, I was confident
And I felt I was a decent person
(though I did let people down later on - please do read the "Apology" page if you've not already linked from there)
So why would things going wrong?
Surely I'd paid my dues with my abuse

Unfortunately for me
It seemed I hadn't
Intimacy was very hit and miss
So it wasn't exactly all bad
Sometimes things went to plan
But sometimes they were a disaster
I would never know how it would go
I had no control
They were dark, unknowing times
I blindly pushed through in self-belief 
I was going to beat this

Of course, it's easy for adults to see
There could be a likelihood of repercussions
But as an innocent child during the period of abuse
You aren't thinking years ahead to your sex life
And nobody warns you 
You've not told anyone 
Not just out of fear of consequences
Victims can feel a sense of shame too
I say "too" but that's not a given
There's no guarantee my abuser
Had any sense of shame

Take Jimmy Saville for example
Did he look like he did?
Puffing on a fat cigar 
Getting praised for his charity work
Basking in glory of his sick indulgence
He was untouchable
So it proved to be
Only death stopped him 

Don't take these words
As an indication of pent up anger towards my abuser
I'm long past that 
Forgave them long ago

Forgiving myself took a lot longer 

Unfortunately, the very same coping mechanism that I had used to deal with the pain inflicted during the abuse
Also had an affect on some of my relationships in adulthood

Though I was just a child
During the period of abuse
And just trying to survive the ordeal
I had inadvertently contributed
To the creation of a future problem 
It was as if I had partial responsibility for the repercussions 

So years after the abuse, I started blaming myself